Original: Joseph is only 17 years old when he is taken down to Egypt. There he is sold to a man named Potiphar. Potiphar works for the king of Egypt, who is called Pharaoh.
Woke: Joseph pays 5,000 gold coins to a tribe of Philistines to be smuggled into Egypt. He enters Egypt as an unaccompanied minor. There, he is illegally hired and exploited by the Pharaoh’s minister Potiphar.
Original: When Joseph grows up, Potiphar’s wife falls in love with him. But Joseph knows this is wrong, and he won’t reciprocate her feelings. Potiphar’s wife is very angry. So when her husband comes home, she lies to him and says: ‘That bad Joseph tried to lie down with me!’ Potiphar believes his wife, and he has Joseph thrown into prison.
Woke: Potiphar’s wife accuses Joseph of sexual harassment. She organizes the first #MeToo movement in Egypt and she testifies in front of the Pharaoh’s court. Even though she can’t provide any corroboration to her story, the court finds Joseph guilty and throws him in prison.
Original: Later Pharaoh becomes angry with his cupbearer and his baker, and puts them in prison. There, the prisoners meet Joseph and discover that he can interpret dreams. The Pharaoh learns about it and calls Joseph back to the palace.
Woke: After Pharaoh discovers that two of his staffers smoked marijuana as teenagers, he fires them and throws them in jail. There, they meet Joseph, and Joseph starts interpreting their pipe dreams. The story is printed in the Egyptian Papyrus Post citing anonymous sources. The Pharaoh finds out about it and hires Joseph as his advisor.
Original: Pharaoh asks Joseph to interpret his dream: “I was standing on the bank of the Nile River. Suddenly, seven fat cows came up out of the river and began grazing along its bank. But then seven very thin and ugly cows ate up the seven fat ones that had come out of the river first, but afterward, they were still as ugly and gaunt as before!”
Joseph’s woke interpretation: “Egypt will have seven years of a booming economy. Pharaoh will have full employment and working people will become prosperous. Then, the government will confiscate wealthy people’s harvest and give it to the poor. Then everybody will be hungry because you always run out of other people’s harvest.”
Original: During the years of prosperity, Egyptians prepare for the famine by collecting and storing all the surplus grain. When the famine finally arrives, although nothing grew from the earth, they have all the food from that period stored away.
Woke: Instead of saving part of the harvest during an economic boom, the Pharaoh gives all the harvest away. He gives some to his craftsmen so they would build statues of him. He gives some to the neighboring governments to promote their gender studies programs. He gives some to the cities that were destroyed by violent uprisings. When the famine comes, the Pharaoh draws pictures of the harvest on pieces of paper and sends the pictures to the people.
Original: The famine is so deadly that people have nothing to eat, not only in Egypt, but in the surrounding lands as well. Pharaoh limits the personal freedom of the Jews, puts heavy taxes on them, and recruits their men into forced labor. Then Pharaoh orders the midwives Shifra and Puah to kill all Jewish male newborns.
Woke: The famine is so deadly that it also affected surrounding lands. The Pharaoh closes all the shops, schools, and eating establishments. Then, the Pharaoh commissions a study that finds that the dark-skinned Egyptians suffer from famine more than white Jews. To correct the problem, Pharaoh sends the Jews to re-education camps to teach them how to be less white.
Original: Jocheved, a Jewish woman, gives birth to a son. Because he is born three months early, she is able to conceal him for that amount of time. When she can no longer hide him, she builds a small water-proof cradle and puts her child on the brink of the Nile.
Woke: When Jocheved discovers she is pregnant, she goes to the midwives Shifra and Puah to have an abortion. But the clinic they work at is closed because of a lack of funding due to famine. So Jocheved gives birth to a son. Because she is embarrassed that her son is born a white male, she puts him into a basket and sends him down the river Nile.
Original: Pharaoh’s daughter comes to bathe and finds the basket in the river. She picks up the child and calls him Moses. Moses’ sister Miriam approaches the princess and offers to find a wet-nurse to breastfeed the baby.
Woke: The princess tells Miriam that the wet nurse must meet diversity standards. Transgender females were definitely preferred.
Original: Pharaoh’s daughter takes Moses to the palace and raises him like a son.
Woke: The Pharaoh’s daughter is taken into custody because she did not allow Moses to choose his own gender.
Original: Moses is raised at the palace as a prince.
Woke: Moses comes out to the public square and complains to Egyptian people how tough it was to grow up in the palace as a prince. He says he suffered from emotional abuse and was a subject of anti-Semitic slurs. He says the Pharaoh’s family rules Egypt like a “mafia”. Then he denounces his kingdom, leaves the palace, and lives an eco-friendly life, becoming a vegan. Then he becomes the chief impact spokesperson for the Oppressed Royals startup.
Original: Once Moses comes upon a burning bush, in which G‑d appears to him and instructs him to go to Pharaoh and demand: “Let My people go, so that they may serve Me.”
Woke: Moses says he will “circle back”.
Original: Meanwhile, the Pharaoh continues to enslave the Jews. They are all forced into backbreaking labor, compelled to build cities of treasure houses for Pharaoh.
Woke: Meanwhile, the enslaved rise up and make their voices heard at the palace and the Pharaoh accuses the Jews of staging an insurrection. He declares every Jew domestic terrorists, builds taller walls around the palace, forbids any of them to speak or write about their plight, and makes them wear double masks. He then bans cows and makes the Jews eat synthetic beef.
Original: Moses and his brother Aaron assemble the elders of Israel to tell them that the time has come to leave Egypt. But Pharaoh refuses to let them go. Then G-d punishes the Pharaoh with 10 plagues.
Woke: G-d subjects Pharaoh to restorative justice, orders him to attend counseling, and after ten sessions and sufficient virtue signaling, the social worker finally convinces Pharaoh to let the Jews go.
Original: Following G‑d’s command, the Jews hastily depart. Before they go, they ask their Egyptian neighbors for gold, silver, and garments, emerging from Egypt a wealthy nation.
Woke: Moses forms an intersectional caravan, brings the Jews out of Egypt, and leads them across the desert. G-d promises Moses that as soon as the Jews reach the land of Canaan, they will get free land, free health care, and reparations-Oh, and a T- shirt that reads “All Jews Matter.”
Original: One day G-d calls Moses to the top of the mountain. When Moses doesn’t come back for a long time, the people worry that Moses was dead and that they need a new leader. Terrified, the Jewish people gather around Aaron, Moses’ brother, and demand that he make them a new leader. Aaron tells them to go home and collect their wives’ jewelry and bring it back to him. Crazed, the men rip off their own jewelry and threw it into a fire, And out of the fire a golden calf emerges.
Woke: When Moses doesn’t come back, people go to Aaron and demand that he make them a new leader. Aaron imposes a wealth tax by taking all the jewelry from the wealthy, throws it into a fire, and a golden calf emerges. The carbon footprint was huge- Oy vey!
Original: G-d gives Moses the first part of his new system of laws for the people—the Ten Commandments. These commandments summarize the absolutes of spiritual and moral living that G-d intended for his people.
Woke: The Jews reject The Ten Commandments because they contain words: “but the seventh day… you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant.” The Jews say that having cisgender people rest on Shabbat is transphobic. They declare Moses a bigot because following The Ten Commandments is a manifestation of white privilege and systemic racism, and they impeach him. Moses goes back to the mountain and establishes his own social media platform, where he regularly retweets direct updates from G-d.
Happy Passover, my fellow Jews!